Friday, May 27, 2011
just a wishful thinking
ji'm wishing that someday the person who i chose to fight for could also fight for me.. nevertheless, if not possible it's just also ok with me.. anyway he only knew me for a lesser time than his family. and i'm just a nobody actually. i'm just a helper-yaya-english teacher (with no salary). i'm even more poor now compared to when i was just starting my professional life after college.
are you pregnant?
i always get the question, "are you pregnant?". i honestly feel humiliated and disrespected. i don't know with you, but for me it's a big NO-NO to ask someone especially a stranger if she's pregnant just because i find her chubby/big/fat. it would be a great embarrassment for the person if it happens to be a complete mistake.
living in a country like this who discriminates big people, gives me a terrible stress each and every single day.
guess what, it is an expected reaction of discrimination actually coz i could get some right inside the house where i'm staying. and i'm just trying to ignore, pretending i didn't understand what they are saying. but until when can i bare all these?
this makes me miss all my family and friends who truly love and accept me for who i am no matter how i look like.
living in a country like this who discriminates big people, gives me a terrible stress each and every single day.
guess what, it is an expected reaction of discrimination actually coz i could get some right inside the house where i'm staying. and i'm just trying to ignore, pretending i didn't understand what they are saying. but until when can i bare all these?
this makes me miss all my family and friends who truly love and accept me for who i am no matter how i look like.
i always get no answer
i hate asking some questions and getting no answer at all or getting an answer but it's "i-dont-know" almost all the time! ok, i'd rather not to ask.. or not to speak next time.. just a waste of saliva! makes me sad for being ignored all the time.
i made my 3rd or 4th blog now to express my depression
Lately i've been very very stressed and depressed. I've been on a silent and hunger strike these past 2 days. It must be the diet that keeps me feeling down and extra emotional. I cannot talk to anyone about things that's bugging me for the belief of no one's gonna understand me. I cannot tell oppa coz as much as i want to, i also don't want to create an issue with his family as they would think i'm abnormal and crazy creature. I know one way or another he will tell things to his mother coz he got no secrets with her mom. And no, not even my parents had any idea of what i'm going through. I don't want them to worry about me. But as of this time of my writing, nothing can make me feel better and even if you bribe me anything nice, my smile won't show up.
Last night, i could hardly get a sleep. So i decided to play with my cute pinky phone and list down some things that's going on my mind at that time. This list is exactly what you would see on my phone's text notes:
1. i'm fat
2. no one to talk to
3. i miss laughing
4. i don't want to be a teacher
5. i want to be a good programmer
6. i'm exhausted teaching makulit kids
7. i feel stressed when i see messy things
8. i'm tired doing house chores for a big family
9. i don't have work and no money
10. i feel so kawawa when they give me something
11. i'm tired being a yaya
12. i'm tired being a helper
13. i want to own my own house
14. i want to cook
15. i miss international cuisine
16. i miss going to mall
17. i miss choosing what i want
18. i miss having a conversation
19. i feel so useless, poor and bobo
20. i miss my privacy
21. i miss hugs and kisses
22. i feel tired adjusting myself to almost everything
23. i feel so alone
24. i hate my size and my face and skin
25. i feel unloved
26. i miss my independence
27. i'm so tired teaching
28. i thought i could get big pay for teaching, but my salary can't even buy a shoes or jacket
29. i hate people messing up my place & things
30. i hate listening and can't understand anything
31. i'm so different
32. i'd rather die than to be discriminated all the time
33. who's willing to listen and understand me?
34. i'm nothing but another ofw helper, worse because no salary
35. please let me have a life
36. born to be fat is not my choice
37. who cares if i'm sick, tired and sad?
38. this is not the life that i want forever
39. nightmare everynight coz of the insects, i'm seriously having sleepless nights, if not, a nightmare
40. no bed
41. no sofa
42. no chair
43. uncomfortable CR
44. tired being yaya
45. i dont want food inside room
46. i hate garbage everywhere
47. shouting
48. hitting
49. crying
50. noisy moves
51. i'm not a superwoman
52. my pick of choice is always bad
53. no size for me
54. i hate massage
55. i'm literally an ALIEN here.. a bored alien...
Oppa offered me to buy a ticket going to Manila. I refuse because i know it's just a temporary solution to my sadness. I could be absolutely happy and might not want to go back here, but i don't want that to happen. Oppa thinks that i just miss my parents. How can I tell him that I think my life is not placed on a good track now.
I really miss those days in Malayan, we didn't have money but we have plenty of time just for ourselves. I miss his stories, our conversations, hugs anytime, planning for the future, i miss taking care of us, cooking for him and doing all chores. I miss being the superwoman in his life. I miss the YOU and ME days... Now i barely get a time to talk to him, and he'd not rather talk to me coz he feels tired already and english conversation makes him tired even more. I can't even show sweetness since its not our own place.
If only i have a little money, i would buy a person to talk to.
Last night, i could hardly get a sleep. So i decided to play with my cute pinky phone and list down some things that's going on my mind at that time. This list is exactly what you would see on my phone's text notes:
1. i'm fat
2. no one to talk to
3. i miss laughing
4. i don't want to be a teacher
5. i want to be a good programmer
6. i'm exhausted teaching makulit kids
7. i feel stressed when i see messy things
8. i'm tired doing house chores for a big family
9. i don't have work and no money
10. i feel so kawawa when they give me something
11. i'm tired being a yaya
12. i'm tired being a helper
13. i want to own my own house
14. i want to cook
15. i miss international cuisine
16. i miss going to mall
17. i miss choosing what i want
18. i miss having a conversation
19. i feel so useless, poor and bobo
20. i miss my privacy
21. i miss hugs and kisses
22. i feel tired adjusting myself to almost everything
23. i feel so alone
24. i hate my size and my face and skin
25. i feel unloved
26. i miss my independence
27. i'm so tired teaching
28. i thought i could get big pay for teaching, but my salary can't even buy a shoes or jacket
29. i hate people messing up my place & things
30. i hate listening and can't understand anything
31. i'm so different
32. i'd rather die than to be discriminated all the time
33. who's willing to listen and understand me?
34. i'm nothing but another ofw helper, worse because no salary
35. please let me have a life
36. born to be fat is not my choice
37. who cares if i'm sick, tired and sad?
38. this is not the life that i want forever
39. nightmare everynight coz of the insects, i'm seriously having sleepless nights, if not, a nightmare
40. no bed
41. no sofa
42. no chair
43. uncomfortable CR
44. tired being yaya
45. i dont want food inside room
46. i hate garbage everywhere
47. shouting
48. hitting
49. crying
50. noisy moves
51. i'm not a superwoman
52. my pick of choice is always bad
53. no size for me
54. i hate massage
55. i'm literally an ALIEN here.. a bored alien...
Oppa offered me to buy a ticket going to Manila. I refuse because i know it's just a temporary solution to my sadness. I could be absolutely happy and might not want to go back here, but i don't want that to happen. Oppa thinks that i just miss my parents. How can I tell him that I think my life is not placed on a good track now.
I really miss those days in Malayan, we didn't have money but we have plenty of time just for ourselves. I miss his stories, our conversations, hugs anytime, planning for the future, i miss taking care of us, cooking for him and doing all chores. I miss being the superwoman in his life. I miss the YOU and ME days... Now i barely get a time to talk to him, and he'd not rather talk to me coz he feels tired already and english conversation makes him tired even more. I can't even show sweetness since its not our own place.
If only i have a little money, i would buy a person to talk to.
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